To honor the greatest drink that ever existed, I’ve come up with classifications to calm the cacophony of calculating the quality of the cup of coffee you could be currently consuming. This list is by no means all-inclusive, so after reading, if you’d like to add your own coffee classification, leave me a comment or reply. Enjoy!
Note: I originally posted this as a Facebook note on June 23, 2013. This is a re-post with some edits.
WARNING: Like virtually everything else, reading this list is best done with a cup of Nectar of the Gods, but Coffee Shop Coffee or Home Brew can substitute in a pinch. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Read on!
Bad, Java, Bad!
This unacceptable beverage can be found wherever there are complete amateurs working the nearest coffee maker. It comes in two varieties: coffee-flavored water or tar in a cup. It is almost completely undrinkable save for rough Mondays or the occasional Tuesday after a holiday when no other java is available. Coffee additives like cream, sugar, and possibly bourbon are necessary to, at best, begrudgingly muscle down this atrocious concoction.
This below average drink is only good for 3 things: waking you up, putting hair on your chest, and it’s the only substance known to science that can sufficiently wash down greasy diner food. Some theorize that it’s also good for getting rust off of an old car’s bumper, but the verdict is still out on that. Diner Joe is always slightly burnt, sometimes more than slightly. Needless to say (but I’ll say it anyway as everyone always does after that phrase), this drink will only do the trick if you happen to find yourself in a diner. If you don’t frequent diners, then you’re in the clear.
On the average rush-out-the-door morning, this is an average wake-you-up beverage. Sure, it doesn’t knock your socks off, but it’s cheap, fairly convenient, and always by your side. Oddly enough, once you find your chosen brand, you almost feel like you’re cheating on Home Brew when you find a better-than-average java somewhere else. It’s OK. Home Brew can take it.
Coffee Shop Coffee
For a few dollars (or more if you visit CometCash…Get it?!), you can get a specially-made cup of coffee tailored to your every want and desire. Whether it’s a grande decaf cinnamon dolche latte skinny with extra cinnamon or a medium coffee with 3 creams, 3 sugars, a shot of hazelnut and espresso with whipped cream and a cherry on top, they’ll make it your way. Sure, the beverage is typically above average, but it usually isn’t earth-shattering enough to justify the cost. Once you’ve finished a coffee shop coffee, don’t be surprised if you begin to miss Home Brew with it’s cheapness and reliability. It’s waiting for you at home.
Nectar of the Gods
Every once in a great while, the planets will align, and you’ll be graced by the presence of greatness in your mug. This exceptional form of java can come from any of the previous 3 categories if made exactly to your specifications and bits of magic are added. Don’t worry! You’ll know you have the Nectar the instant it hits your lips. You’ll be surprised that your cup isn’t glowing. After having enjoyed this oh-so-delicious drink, it takes piles and piles of steamy, craptastic badness to ruin your day. In fact, you may reach your super human potential after consuming the Nectar. Too bad all coffee can’t be this good all the time. Since it can’t, just be happy that you had the rare opportunity to ingest a masterpiece and live to talk about it. The only thing bittersweet (and I’m not talking about Diner Joe) about crossing paths with the nectar is that no other cup will satisfy you in quite the same way again. However, if you’re lucky, and I mean reeeeally lucky, maybe some day, you’ll strike good-morning gold again.
What classification of coffee did you last drink?!